Any futrue dating a married man

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I was 22 and took up with an older married co-worker. He made me feel appreciated and worthwhile, something nobody I dated had ever done. He didn't have kids but still found plenty of reasons to avoid making a commitment to me (he disliked his wife but didn't want to destroy her, the division of property would be a pain, etc.). Does his wife really deserve all the pain you are giving her?

You may think she does, but put yourself in her shoes, or imagine if it was YOUR husband having an affair.

From Ohio: Thank you for your advice about being with a married man. I am 25 and put aside everything in my life, including my goals after college, in hopes that he would make the decision to be with me. For me, it has never been about the excitement of being the "other woman.” In fact, it makes me sick to think I am. It has been a very dark place for me over the past two years because everything is kept secret.

I am heartbroken and devastated that I let myself be lured into an imaginary world where I thought this situation could be changed. Quit wasting your time and life on someone who can't be the man you want.

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Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie,” by Dr. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books.

I received no notes saying “I am thrilled to be the other woman, the situation worked out wonderfully, and everyone is so happy about it.” Instead, my responses were from people who learned firsthand the painful lesson that married men do not leave their wives for their mistresses. Let Young Lover know that she's wasting her time and ruining her life. It took me years of therapy to get away from my idiotic mistake.

Because there are doubtless many women still in this situation wondering what to do, I decided to share some of these letters here: From Arizona: A few years ago I was in the same position. He's never going to leave, because he has everything he needs right now — her for sex and emotional attachment, and his wife for security. It also took a lot of observation of other couples to realize how horribly dysfunctional the relationship I thought was perfect really was.

Do you want a relationship that you don't have to hide?

Do you want to be able to go out in public together without fear of discovery?

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